Sunday, April 10, 2011

happiness can be found even in the darkest time.

Had a less than welcoming day yesterday, feels like i was transported back in time into a not too happy time non the less. Keeping back the tears (it was barely a second), swallowing your bruised pride which had been trampled on, sitting down on that bench and taking a deep breath you know its the start of a long battle, not a battle than everyone can empathise with, even some of your closer ones, you know you will make it through. I know i will.

As you grow up time is not a friend, in fact time never was, was it huh. I have a motivational poster in my cupboard which writes, i value the friend who for me finds time on the calender. But I cherish the friend who for me does not consult the calender.
But, hey, sorry, it doesn't happen. It can't happen, i mean the latter statement....we live in a cruel practical world, everyone is rushing for time for some 24 hours aren't even enough for them to use, to spare a little more out for you...maybe, take a queue number. It's not as if to say their unfeeling they don't care, i guess if i start moping and calling everyone for attention yea, they'll make some time for me...somehow a few weeks later....but then people just don't have the time to 'feel' people anymore. I remember in secondary sch, primary school days...we had all the time in the world to somehow figure out, feel, see, hear our friends unhappiness...they didn't have to spell it out to us...we saw signs...or hints they left on their blogs...faces..messages. Its not that i'm calling attention to myself now, its just a very sad situation humans face in the world today.

So much so, i've already forgotten what it really is like to share and pour your heart out to a friend. Maybe, probably, ok, i guess its just me, i do see some friends who have like their other half, and no, i'm not talking about boyfriends, girlfriends...i mean their buddies who know them just with a twitch of their lips. Time brings people apart, but sometimes, we can't just conveniently blame it on time, communication is a skill which needs to be practised for some, for others, they were born with the 'gift'. You would realised though i have a blog i'm not really the kind to go into everyday details; today i .....and felt .... then i it was really ....Yea, not really my kind of expression, partly because too many details, i get lazy, another part comes along when i'm afraid what i write would not be pleasing to pals who read it. Just like this article. I'm not saying my friends couldn't care if i die, i'm more than positive they have lotsa love for me. i'm just saying time is pretty cruel, work, school, dates, other halves.....they don't even have enough time for themselves, then. who are you?

I realised, and am surprise how ready I could talk unguarded, ok semi, i'm known to be a very guarded person (don't ask me? i guess, if you've been growing up alone for so long, you learn to protect yourself more. and no, i'm not the kind of girl who cries for help from a guy for every other matter) to a friend when i was in the states, over a late night chat while everyone was asleep we just chatted. It seemed like no one around had ever asked me such stuff....and he/she just got it out, we chatted like old friends. i talked about a personality which i seldom really describe, and at that moment i was surprised that i spoke so freely too.

That friend though now very busy, yes, time once told me, you always tell others to come find you no matter what unhappiness they have or help they need, but when i ask you, you actually say You don't believe your problems are worth troubling people for. the friend didn't explicitly say don't think that way, i guessed he/she understood my pride and fear of judgement and wasting friend's time. but it sure did warmed my heart when i hear the same thing i always tell others came back 360 to me. Though, i wouldn't find this friend to share my problems because he/she already has a ton of their own, it was assuring.

Only thing, I still do't have somebody to just share daily grumbles, mope, cry, laugh, share my joy with for every little thing, and the other party treats me as so (well you'll feel stupid if its only one way because its like talking on the line and no one's answering)(Actually ling does call me out for dinner when shes free, once in a while i'll try calling people out but alway fail. its really just me. Shes a really busy gal, but i appreciate just short dinners and chats, sometimes we have more stuff at other times not so much but its still nice, and because shes so busy even when i feel i terrible and wanna call her i think shes too busy, so the next time when we meet i'll say, you know that day i was feeling so horrible and wanted to get ya but you were busy and she'll say hmm. ya, and we'll both laugh. its a mutual understanding i guess. haa. but it does make you feel better sometimes..) Updating friends on each others life is important, sharing nonsensical life's nothing is also bonding. never be judgemental, i'll run. haa. People say friends who are attached really can't spare extra time for you. So yes, i'll still swallow all unhappiness,pmses or worries and go on kicking. I have lived for 23 years haven't i?
Won't die. Just jealous at times, haa! A little down at times, but like a superficial wound, a word of encouragement, a big smile from you and you it heals and i forget all about it until i feel all pms-y again and write a big emo post like such.

but at the end of the day i always learn to count my blessings, i have an awesome family, awesome friends family. i always feel their love. :) thank you with sincerity. :)

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