Saturday, May 3, 2014

Just one of the many days where I wished someone could understand me.

Tonight I remembered I fit in neither of the pictures. Between people it will never be a case of who came first or who got there last. 

Don't say I'm nice because it always reminds me of an ironic empty promise. Id rather you tell it in my face what is wrong with me. Because I know I am only human, because I know I have sin-ed thoughts because I know I am not perfect. To hear people say I'm "nice" is just like saying "hey ya your not fun. If we ever hang out its because you were nice to me at one point in my life."

Thanks for the kindness. Sincerely. 

I know I'm not hated, but I also know i don't fit in. It's sad, but it's true. This feels like going back to school all over again huh. I never faced such stuff in school before so i guess the heavens decided one must go through something like this in your lifetime at least once. 

Ok I get it. Can i press escape and pretend nothing of this ever happened? like a surgery which causes a scar. People too cause scars. Friends unknowingly cause scars. 

Everytime I act all emotional and pissy people would react to me and I would lie to myself all is fine and dandy. 

People can only be nice to you for that much if they never take you as their own. I get it, but somehow it always fades. And I pretend its not the truth. 

If after reading this you feel that maybe I need to be nice and say lets organise a get together. Thank you. 

But really don't, I'm not writing for anyone to feel bad or point fingers. Don't ask me if this is about you, don't ask me if I'm alright because if you do. In my heart I will probably think "damn you have not been reading. You have no pr skills" and I will probably not reply you. And I hate to not reply friends. So yes, pls. Just let me write it out. 

I write so that i can remind myself how stupid I am. And ingrain it so the next time i will feel less upset about the whole situation. 

Sometimes I wished I could have screamed and say but I knew you first, we were buddies first. And I went away for awhile and it all seemed to have changed. Thank you for just walking away while still pretending to stay. To which I guess you would have just given me a prissy smile because I ain't that a important life life in your life now. 

The kingdom you all slowly built got bigger and you decided to leave me outside the gate with a visitor's pass. Allowed to visit, but not enough to stay. 

I too should have built that wall, so high that with my quietness deafen the surrounding ear deafening silence. 

I might be flawed. But I always had your back till i decided I had to back away. I wondered if anybody had mine. 

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